Day 6: Disregarded Testimonies”

Take a look at the title of this post. “Disregarded testimonies” say it slowly…roll it on your tongue and ponder over it for a minute, if you can. It’s no secret that as Christians we are in the middle of a raging battle with the forces of darkness. While we are also aware that God has definitely and utterly defeated them on our behalf, One thing the devil is good at doing is making us feel like everything is peaceful here on earth, so we get comfortable. We don’t pray as often as we should, we don’t wage war on the devil as we should, we don’t believe in the power of God’s salvation, as we should.

I always say that the devil takes no days off when it comes to ruining the lives of Christians so why should we? God speaks to us every day, in little ways. He answers our prayers and fights battles for us that we are sometimes not even aware of. The devil is good at making us oblivious to that. I feel like every Christian should be able to boast of countless times that God has blessed and come through for them but you’d realize that, they are so fixated on problems and mishaps in their lives that they don’t even notice these blessings. They find them “normal.”

I will use myself as an example. The problem is that, like many others, I tend to feel so unworthy. I struggle to believe that I am truly saved or truly forgiven by God. Every time I sin, I draw further and further away from Him because I can’t handle the guilt. I keep telling myself that “God is even tired of you and your shenanigans” but that’s just good ol’ satan doing what he does best! – using guilt to make me weak in my faith.

So PayAttentionPeople ‼️

Stop worrying about the next prayer you need answered from God. Say thank you for the blessings you have taken for granted instead. I have been so so absorbed with what’s going wrong in my marriage. For example,I pray about my struggle within, yet I find myself trying to fix things on my own or take certain decisions on my own in keen anticipation of a great outcome -because I want my life to be “perfect.” Thinking like that is just ridiculous mind you, and will make you collect shelves of ‘Disregarded testimonies‘ in your life. How will God manifest his power if everything is perfect in our lives??

Let me outline a few if mine real quick:

  • God saved the life of my baby last year. I was focused on the fact that I had an expensive, emergency c-section and forgot that she would have died if I had gone through natural labour.
  • God gave me a second job which I took for granted till I almost lost it this Month! -and this job has sustained me for a year!
  • God blessed me with a marriage. A difficult one, but a marriage nonetheless. I was selfish and focused on my partner’s shortcomings while justifying mine.

Just look at this! I’m so ashamed. These are three things that many people pray fervently to be blessed with yet I’m over here finding them “normal.” Are they, really???

Long story short. Pick up your Bibles, be thankful for the “normal” things and let’s fight against the devil! Stop worrying, pray more and start believing. Take it one day at a time, one verse at a time and remember that The devil takes no days off in his quest to destroy your life.

Advertisements

Day 1 : of 21

Listen, I cannot follow through with anything from start to finish. Are there people like that out there? I’m usually so frigging pumped about something that’s just absolutely great in my head, then I give myself 23635 cool ways to execute whatever it is. I even pat myself on the back when I imagine how awesome the outcome would be! Fast forward to the day I’m actually supposed to start whatever, the following emojis sum up my mood nicely :😴😩😒😵🙄.

Needless to say I procrastinate till thy kingdom come…or till the next great idea pops up 😂. I’ve been thinking a lot the past two days and I have decided NOT to continue like this. I can’t… I’m a mom now and I need to make a conscious effort to be better. It also hit me yesterday, when I was having an unusually rough day, that I honestly don’t do much for God. I cried unto him because I felt like my life was falling apart. Then I asked him “My father, why don’t you answer me?” He did. He answered me so fast I wondered what he had been doing for the past 6 months 😐.

He sent me a sign that enabled peace to settle over me. (I’ll share details of this testimony when the time is right) As the peace settled over me, with it came the realization that God sees my struggle every day, he sees my tears, he wants to help me but he can’t because:

  1. I pray with doubt in my heart. I pray for God to fix my situation, then I start making a plan B on the side ” just in case”🤦🏾‍♀️. We are all guilty of that! But if we can fix the problem by ourselves then what do we need God for? Why are we bothering to pray?
  2. I am not consistent with my service to God. I am not consistent with prayers, fasting and even my daily devotional! Like I said I’m pumped for one maybe two weeks with the spirit, then after a while I just carry on with my life..especially when I haven’t received the answers I want. Or even when there’s the slightest sign that it’s going to get better.

This leads me to make so many mistakes that end up costing me! 2 Corinthians 5:10 was quoted in my devotional last night. It basically stressed on how each one of us would give account of our actions on earth to our heavenly father on judgement day. Do you ever wonder why, if God has forgiven and forgotten all of our sins, then what do we really have left to account for? If he says he has forgiven us then why is he coming to judge us? 🤔 I found out that we are going to explain to God what we did with our time here on earth not necessarily our bad actions! We are going to explain what we did with the talents he gave us; How we fulfilled our purpose here on earth. Wasting our lives on anything other than God is evil doing of a different kind! Those who did nothing for Christ and sunk into “good for nothingness” basically wasted time and energy and precious life given… We all know where they’ll end up.

So I digress, I think we should all do strive to be better at following through with tasks we set for ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for the things we do to glorify the Lord on earth. I think following through with our plans and objectives both in and out of church will draw us closer to finding what he sent us here to do. On that note my close friends and I have decided to do a 21 day fast with the goal of cleansing our bodies and spirits so we may draw closer to God. Obviously after everything I’ve said, I have to go through with it. To prove to myself and my heavenly father that I want to be better. That I am serious about getting closer to him and fulfilling my purpose on earth. So this is day 1 guys!

‘Light London’… Anyone ? 

Soo obviously when something amazing happens to me I have to share it with everyone just so they can also be touched by it! I want to work on getting closer to God and growing my faith just so that I don’t get myself to that 2/10 point of hopelessness  again. It hasn’t been the easiest thing to accomplish.. Most days I just can’t be asked to grab my Bible and study the word. I just procrastinate. But tonight , I finally picked it up after two or so days and my mind has been blown.

I got a great message on persévérance in our faith,  from 1 Peter 5: 8-10. I loved the message because it enabled me to know that I am not the only one who is going through trials and difficulties. Almost all if us are, but today we are reminded to pray, keep our faith in the Lord strong and study his Word so we can understand him more. If we do that he WILL RESCUE US. 

Life is hard but let’s all make it a point to get through it while holding God’s hand. 

Meanwhile, the reason I came here was to share this page with you tonight. If you’re on Facebook, please follow the link below and make it a point to join the Bible book club on Tuesday evenings wherever you are in the world! 

https://www.facebook.com/lightldn/

I feel empowered, refreshed and ready to get closer God after watching the live broadcast and today was my first time! I promise It’s amazing ❤️❤️❤️

Should we keep praying  at the brink of giving up? 

The one concern of the devil is to keep us from praying. He fears nothing from prayer-less studies, prayer-less work and religion. He laughs at our toil, mocks our wisdom, but he trembles when we pray. – Anonymous. 

 The Bible says in Isaiah 55:9, “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

 

Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises.” – James 5:13

👋🏿 Let’s pay attention to these three quotes, shall we? 

I began doing research yesterday, online, trying my  best to find inspirational blogs to help me learn how to keep trusting God because my faith is at 2/10, despair is taking over and I can’t pray. Last time I wrote about staying resilient in order not to break our spirits. I’d like to follow up with what happens when you get to the place I am at now. 

It’s difficult  to keep going. Especially when you have prayed and prayed for months but there’s no end to your troubles in sight. It’s almost as if the more you pray, the tougher the battle gets! I found a blog that gave possible reasons for why our prayers probably don’t get answered. They were interesting and I should probably share what I remember to you guys. Nobody knows the mind of God by the way,  so this is someone else’s opinion but I happen to think it makes a lot of sense. God never says NO to us. We’ve been told that his answers to our needs are usually:

  • Yes
  • wait
  • I have something better in mind for you 

Now, while we’re supposed to learn certain lessons from the things we go through, in times like these, I can’t stress how important it is to make an effort to find God again and trust him. Today I told myself that the devil cannot win!  Although I’m almost at the ‘dark place’  where I question God all the time, à little part of me refuses to believe that he doesn’t have my back. It’s impossible! He would never 😱.  So, not hearing from him when we pray may be because :

  • We are praying with doubt in our hearts 
  • We have unconfessed sins resting on our consciences
  • We are praying for selfish reasons 
  • We are praying with wrong motives
  • We have turned away from scripture 

I realized that the battle to keep believing and keep fighting had been going on for so long that,  I had entertained at least two of the above reasons. I had allowed doubt into my heart, I’d also turned away from scripture. It’s been hard for me to pray, seek God and keep believing in him. Simply because I have lost track of what I’m praying for! Most days I don’t know if I’m praying for my situation to get better or to be removed from it completely.  Like I said, it’s hard.. But let’s not lose hope. Even if your faith is dwindling,  the fact that his grace is upon your life today, the fact that you are awake and alive is enough to remember that he wants you to keep going. You’re on this side of the ground! 

Instead of praying for what you want, pray that his will for your life be done. Pray for strength, for inner peace and joy to face your adversities. No one else can grant you these inward blessings. Not your family, not your best friend, not your spouse.. Just God. 

So this is me, at 2/10 speaking goodness into the universe. Don’t walk away from your God, that’s what the devil wants.  Don’t fixate on the outcome you want! Try your best to pray and let his will be done. PRAY BECAUSE YOUR Life REALLY  DEPENDS ON IT. ❤️❤️❤️ in Jesus name ❤️❤️❤️ AMEN. 

 

Unbroken Spirits…

imageshx Helloooo to all one hundred and something of you! I dare say its been eons since I sprinkled some fairy dust over here, hasn’t it?  -This is me trying to lift up my spirits after months of what I think has been pure hell.  Right now, in this very moment I have decided that nothing on earth, and I mean NOTHING can break my spirit. I won’t allow it, you shouldn’t too -Here’s why.

I digress, a quick recap as to why I’ve been MIA since for some reason I always feel like I owe my readers an explanation every time I vanish off the surface of the internet. So.. I think I told you guys that I got engaged… or? Well In Ghana its more of a traditional marriage but whatever. I’ve yet to have a white wedding… aaanndd drumroll…: I’m also having a babyyy!! yaay. Also,  for those who may be asking about what happened to ‘re-branding’ the blog. It is an inspirational one (for all intents and purposes). Let’s carry on. 😛

imageshf

What I have to say today is, we should try hard not to allow our circumstances or the bad things that happen to us to break our spirits. We can cry, wail, weep, have a pity party and lick our wounds (cos we deserve to) BUT we must Not allow our spirits to get shattered.. there’s no coming back to ourselves from that!  Often we venture into things and take many decisions with the purest intentions in the world, with the best of hearts; then the negative outcomes and backlash we sometimes receive from that can be heinous enough to make us question our very existence.  Maybe you went into your marriage thinking you’d ride off into the sunset with the love of your life, but a splash of cold water over all your dreams has left you destitute with what is your actual reality  -emotional torture.  Maybe your excitement about that amazing  job you have did not prepare you for the nasty, co-workers and horrible  environment you currently find yourself working in. Maybe You are just stressed out about your whole life, you have way too many things going on at once and nobody seems to appreciate that you’re doing a damned good job trying to juggle all your responsibilities with no breaks in between!  Or Maybe you’re just broke all the time no matter how well you try to organize your finances and there seems to be no end to your financial woes..

We must have faith, against all odds. I think I can relate to every single one of these scenarios which brings me back to why I mentioned that I had been through hell the past few months.. I kept asking myself “Why me?”..or “God why are you watching me go through this, you promised everything would be okay!”  I know its hard, I know, but don’t give up on yourself. We have to believe that there is that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s make a mental note to take everything one day at a time or one hour at a time- if that helps, to avoid accumulating feelings of sadness and frustration.

There is a Ghanaian proverb that says that ‘ when the elephant falls, every animal gets the chance to hit him’  That’s funny considering the glaring truth in the fact that even the ant would not dare to go close to the elephant under any other circumstance. Think of yourself as an elephant.. think of your situation as temporary fall. Everything else is minuscule in comparison to how great God is going to make you once you’re back on your feet!42944e4666c0cb4e95d6df15e3cf3181

Usually, what helps me is to cry it all out, even if I have to cry for two days. Then I talk to people I trust..like my mom or my sister..or My best friend. Ideally we should be talking to God, but I am aware of the fact that sometimes it is hard to pray because we are mad at God for letting things get so out of shape! I mean wasn’t he the one who promised us in Jeremiah 29:11 that he had only good things planned for us? so what the heck is happening?? lol

I remind myself to read Jeremiah 33:3, if I am feeling up to it on those days because it tells me never to stop calling on God, no matter what. We have to believe that those great and unsearchable things he promised us will come our way, only if we keep faith in him and hold his hand in times of trouble. God is with us.. even when we get mad at him we have to go back and stay close to him in order to keep our spirits refreshed and renewed to face these battles!

When God is round about you… how can you be dismayed?

 

 

 

Uncertainty. 

Honestly,  I don’t know how I feel about blogging anymore. ( Hi everyone!) Last time I wrote anything was in October last year. I love my blog.  I love that it’s so raw and encompasses so much of my life.  My real life with all of my ups and downs..  But I began getting a lot of backlash about my posts.  Many people around me thought it was too “personal”  and that people did not need to know that much about me.  I met the one whom I believe is the love of my life..  And he said “blogging about your feelings is a sign of weakness”  

So I thought to myself….  Really?  Seriously?? I mean this stuff isn’t something that people are not talking about anyway.  People have opinions about my life anyway,  they’ve formed their own perceptions about my past anyway.  I  choose to bare myself to others because I find it therapeutic and I feel like I need to be real about the ” fucked-upness” just so that other girls could learn. I was uncomfortable coming over here and pretending that everything was all well and good…. But apparently I  forgot about where I lived- In Ghana. Probably one of the most judgemental societies ever! Lol.   So I guess I made people uncomfortable with what I had to say.

So that being said,  I think I do have to sit back and re-evaluate what I want my blog to be about..  Sort of..  divert the attention away from me and channel it into something more productive and less about my experiences with life.  I  haven’t figured it out yet.  I don’t know how I’m going to rebrand the blog but I will..  Sometimes the voice of the people is the voice of God.  Maybe the time has come for it to be less about me and more about something more important.  I’ll let you guys know when I  figure it out.  In the meantime I  really do hope that everyone is having a great year so far!  

God’s blessings upon all of your endeavors!  Xoxo

-A.  Afua

Victim shaming, again.

domesticviolence.jpg

I like having conversations with people about life. It hits me all the time how differently people think, react or relate to certain pertinent issues. Sometimes the conversations run smoothly and it ends with a lot of laughs over drinks, music and food. Other times I’m just left in shock at how ignorant people can be. The feeling never gets old. Someone I know was talking about how his aunt was stuck in an abusive relationship for fifteen years before being able to leave. Fifteen?  “Wow, she probably doesn’t recognize herself anymore” was what I said to myself. I was sad. I felt her pain. Another friend of ours was like “Tweaaa! I don’t feel sorry for her. She deserves it if she’s stupid enough to stay that long.”  Needless to say, I look at that person a little sideways these days lol. I try not to judge him though because I realize that many people also probably share the same opinions.  Which is why I decided to write the following, so you can educate yourselves and help others too.

Let’s break this down..

Domestic Abuse is a situation where a person in an intimate relationship is dominated and controlled by the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is what is termed domestic violence. (Helpguide.org) it is a pattern that is prevalent in many relationships and can occur at ANY TIME.  The signs of an abusive relationship are evident or clear when a person more often than not preys on the emotional inadequacies of the other person. This is when the abuser uses shame, fear guilt and physical strength to subdue or manipulate the other person for one reason or the other. Most abusers typically exhibit feelings of shame and extreme remorse after having hurt their partners which makes it difficult for them to leave or recognize the gravity of the situation.

This creates a false sense of sympathy towards their abusers. The victims begin to experience psychological trauma where incidences of self-neglect becomes a pattern. They begin to neglect their own feelings in lieu of their partners and cling to a false sense of ‘hope’. They begin to believe that the abuse may have been their fault, or that their partners abuse them because they love them. Sometimes they simply give up on themselves and succumb to depression because they feel that there is no way out of the toxicity. They often lie to their loved ones about their ordeals and cover up in order to protect their lovers because they are very ashamed and have not yet mentally accepted that they are being abused.  Most victims recoil and keep to themselves because they are usually shunned by their close family and friends who may think that their inability to disentangle themselves from their partners is a sign of weakness, stupidity or cowardice.

This is termed Victim shaming/blaming. This occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially responsible for the harm that befell them. The negative responses from loved ones, social workers, family members and friends affect the victims of domestic violence in more ways than one. The physical and emotional trauma that they endure does not always have them in the right frame of mind. Hence being told that they are stupid or foolish for staying with their partners DOES NOT ENCOURAGE THEM to make constructive decisions. This is because, abuse typically happens over time.  Many abusers present themselves as perfect, responsible individuals in the onset of the relationship.  That being said, victim shaming has the opposite effect on the victims. They typically begin to hide from their friends and loved ones, keep secrets, lie to protect their partners and usually pretend that the abuse does not occur or that everything is okay. They pretend to be happy mainly because they feel alone. They know they are loved by others but they don’t really believe it.

The most obvious sign of an abusive relationship is FEAR of your partner.  Most abusers escalate from verbal to physical abuse and some of the telltale signs are:

  • Bad and unpredictable tempers on the part of the abuser.
  • Threats of violence and death, emotional manipulation where the abuser threatens also to commit suicide if the victim decides to leave.
  • Overly jealous or possessive, preventing the victim from spending time with friends and family.
  • Yelling, name-calling and embarrassing the victim with put-downs.
  • Physical violence and isolation.
  • Forcing the victim to have sex or indulge in things they are not comfortable with.
  • Stalking the victim or heavily monitoring their moves e.g. On Social media, Checking text messages, GPS tracking their phones, etc.
  • Controlling the decisions and finances of the victim as well as who they see, who they befriend, where they go etc.
  • Intimidating the victim by acting in ways that scare them or threatening to kill them when they go wrong/attempt to leave.
  • Harassing the victim at their school or workplace, preventing them from going, or keeping them up all night with arguments so they perform badly.

fear-1131143_1280-740x493.jpg

At this point, after having gone through all this usually for no reason, the victims have had their independence and self-worth completely destroyed. They rarely go out on social occasions without their partners and may seem nervous and subdued and anxious to please him. This is as a result of physical and emotional dependence of the abuser, for that reason Victim shaming is a problem that must be addressed in the avenue to treating domestic violence, because it goes a long way to affect the decision making process of the victim.

Victims need to feel loved and supported by their immediate family and friends unconditionally!  Unconditionally because this is the only way that they may begin to know that their abusers certainly do not love them more, as they have been brainwashed to believe. You have to love them even when you think they are being stupid. She will not be able to leave him if she is constantly blamed for being abused. It creates a place of despair for them because they live in a world where there are no perpetrators, where their abusers are hailed rather than punished.

Bringing an end to abuse is not a matter of the victim choosing to leave, but being able to safely escape the abuser.  In fact, the victim is often in the most danger directly following her escape or when she seeks help. this is because the abuser feels a loss of control over the victim. 1/5 of homicide victims are murdered within two days of obtaining restraining orders, 1/3 are murdered within the first month. (ncadv.org)  This entire situation is more scary than a lot of people think it is.    Kindly do help when you are in the position to.

Domestic violence and victim support unit,  CONTACT : 0302 666 285.

Quarter life crisis? haha

averie woodard1. When you see people your age on Facebook that already have babies, and you immediately want to unfriend them. 2. You are obsessed with the idea of moving, but you have no idea where you want to go yet. 3. You still live with your parents. Meanwhile, all your friends have apartments. 4. You…

via 25 Signs You Are Having What Is Called A ‘Quarter-Life Crisis’ — Thought Catalog

Believe.

Believe : to accept that something as true, genuine or real.

 

zaleski_tamra_alphabet-art

 

I was skimming through the dailies on Friday when I saw an article written about Charlotte Osei – the chairperson of the EC of Ghana. A particular  quote struck a chord within me.  The part at the end of the article where the writer goes “have you taken note of the rod with which Takyi is being thrashed? Mark it, it will be used against you one day.”- That just means we’re all going to face problems, right? So what do we do when those days come?

The article was quite interesting, it centered on the atrocious slander and indignities that poor woman is being put through by having her morality questioned all. the. time!

Like the writer, I did wonder myself if she was being put through all that just because she was a woman.  Would the same questions be ringing in our ears if the new  chairperson was a man?  As a 21st century woman I honestly find it quite nerve wracking that women, especially in Africa are always judged not based on what they can do but ‘who they have been doing what, with.’ And with it comes a lot of colourful appellations too!  Because we are not allowed to also make messes of things and fall flat on our faces out here.

Ok.  What I noticed was that, the writer BELIEVED in her, believed enough to call out those naysayers although he did mention that he did not agree with her on everything.  Commendable attitude isn’t it?  As usual it got me thinking… how many of us have such people in our lives?  People who stand for us, support us and root for us at the top of their lungs no matter what. I am talking about people who would still be hollering if you ran track in the Olympics and made it to 27th place.

Next question : How many of us fill those shoes for the people around us? Are we ever brave enough to call people out like that writer did or do we just slither on and disappear into the darkness in the face of such issues because we don’t want to “get involved?”

I digress.  I can’t wait for this year to be over, truly. I hate those moments when things are so good that you begin to take EVERYTHING for granted and then you have a series of fuck ups to fix before the end of the year. I am in that damage control mode.. it has been hard to say no this year.. to a lot of things and most importantly a lot of people.  I did not realize how toxic giving in to everything has been for me until my ‘brothers’ at work decided to have an intervention for me in the middle of the day so In could ‘salvage’ my soul before there was nothing left. YES. It was one of the most embarrassing, grueling, frank moments of my life.  And I almost cried not because I had been told to be strong and ‘ get my shit together’ and ‘cut some people off’   but the love I felt that came with it was so real. Even though I know they’re too “gangsta” to admit it. lol

I was motivated instantly, just knowing that they cared that much and most importantly believed in me. – best feeling ever! I can assure you. – it just set things in motion.. put a lot of things into perspective for me to set the ball rolling to continue the fight to achieve my dreams and  to stop focusing on the wrong things and the wrong people.

Moral of the story :  Showing or telling someone you believe in them at their most vulnerable can and will encourage him/her to get up and trudge on and make the effort to obliterate all impediments that are preventing them from achieving their purpose.

Be that person for someone.

Be that person for you. or at least try.

Lesson learnt the past few days is,  that doing the right thing will always trump the feelings of depression and anger and sadness eventually because of the rewards they bring.   So power on if you’re feeling down and reading this especially if you’re like me and you’ve done a lot of bad things that make you feel like you’re not good enough for anyone/ anything.  Thinking like that is just you being obsessed with your own sins AND wallowing in them AND embodying that bad worthless person you’re so afraid to be.  Meanwhile the people who love and believe in you would not remember if you yourself didn’t bring it up ever so often -not just through words but repetitively doing the same bad things because that is who you have allowed your mind to condition you to be… Wake up..You are capable of being whoever you want to be.

 

-A. Afua

 

 

Let me tell you about change..

 Annuschkatz by Timo Barwitzki on 500px - 1024                                                

Change. I have a love-hate relationship with this word.  Its outcome can be really really good, or downright awful. Me, I like the good parts like everyone else .. like moving into a new home, new job, new hair style, new relationships, friendships.. etc. I had an emotional conversation somewhere last week with a good friend about this word,(emotional because I cry about everything)  and his arguments with respect to how the word functions  in relationships made a lot of sense but honestly? I am still not sure how I feel about it. We discussed changing for your partner in a relationship. This is a person I think I scare a little bit. I think he considers  someone like me a little too insane for his tastes which is funny for both of us on a good day but our last conversation has been on my mind for days..

Let me begin by saying that, I am not a feminist. Yes, I am the atrocious traitor amongst us, girls!  After everything I’ve experienced one would think I would be teetering on those lines but no. I feel like sometimes women lose our uniqueness by trying so hard to make every single little thing about feminism or trying to be like men – we’re not men, We’re even more awesome than that!  This is not because I don’t believe in equality for all women, I do. But sometimes I like to let a man just be…manly. And lead – in a respectful way mind you. . I am just comfortable both ways. .. Needless to say, that also has it’s disadvantages because that last conversation I keep referring to has me wondering,’ so.. where exactly do I draw the line between the headstrong independent woman who knows what she wants and the docile, submissive one?

We spoke about things like tattoos and the way women dress, the kind of company they keep, social habits and so on and his perspective on these issues completely blew my mind. Prior to that I had never met anyone who would want their wife to erase their tattoos before they had kids, because he finds them inappropriate and doesn’t want his children to get the wrong message that their mother is…wild.  He wants his wife to dress  conservatively because she represents him,  change her friends because he didn’t approve of their lifestyle, wear less make-up because he wants to get used to her natural face.. you know, stuff like that.

While some of this stuff is understandable like maybe dressing better because of course you don’t want your wife looking like a ‘hoochie mama’.  Other changes were a little difficult for me to imagine. Like changing your friends completely for someone? Or going to get your tattoos removed because your husband doesn’t want your children to think less of you and be exposed to ‘that lifestyle’ because they’d be more susceptible to becoming wayward  …uh ..pardon?

Do you guys agree? His opinions are valid points by the way because some of the people out here in the world are completely ridiculous about these things. However, I am an avid believer in moderation. I feel like women can dress a little sexy sometimes, put on a fiery red lip sometimes, have a few subtle well placed tattoos sometimes, have a crazy friend or two sometimes or even BE the crazy one.  I don’t think it makes her less of a lady, less sophisticated or less of who she is or has the potential to be. But he didn’t seem to think so. So I picked the most talked about one, threw a poll out and conducted a mini survey, asking my male friends what they honestly thought about their partners having for example tattoos, just to make sure I wasn’t crazy and this is what  they had to say to the following questions:

  • What are your thoughts on your partner having tattoos?
  • Would you have her remove them because you believe it is inappropriate?
  • Do you think it would affect the way your kids are raised if your partner has tattoos?

48-tattooed-women

” I wouldn’t have her remove them nor leave her because of tattoos and I don’t think they are inappropriate for kids. I don’t see how tattoos have anything to do with raising kids.  A writing or a drawing on a body? No, bad parenting exposes kids to a certain lifestyle.”             -O.N.

“I wouldn’t necessarily encourage my wife to get a tattoo or approve of it, That not withstanding I would not ask my wife/girlfriend that I have fallen for to remove her tattoo.  Just for health reasons I wouldn’t want my wife/ girlfriend to have a tattoo.  For me that would not be a cause not to look twice at someone who is beautiful.  Raising kids is collective and societal however, Parents are still fundamental. My wife may have a tattoo but I don’t think it would affect how we bring our kids up. I will raise my kids how I feel is right”              -Sam. A

” I wouldn’t have my partner remove her tattoos even thought I am not a fan but it would depend on the type of tattoos and how visible they are. I don’t think it would affect how your kids are raised especially if you got them before they were born. I wouldn’t mind little ones like your child’s name or something small and not really visible.”             -A.B

” Tattoos are just evil.”    – Kwamina

” She already had it before I met her, it’s already there. If She wants to get rid of it then fine, I am not forcing it. I don’t see the point. I mean its like asking her to take back every bad thing she did before she met you.  Apparently that’s what love is right?.. to be with someone who makes you happy regardless of their flaws and imperfections.”               – Nana Kofi

” I love tattoos. especially on the p****. No,  I would get her to tattoo her whole body like that blue chick from X-men. ”                                                                                                                     -AJ

‘ I don’t see anything wrong with my wife having tattoos. But it has to come with limitations as in, It shouldn’t be all over her body and they should be meaningful. I don’t think I will let my partner remove her tattoos because it will never affect the way kids are raised. It is up to the parent to train the child the way he/she should grow.”                                -Kuzco

Ok. so what I got from this little survey was, there are still some guys out there who still put love before anything. Fan-tastic!   I think it’s not wrong if you’re trying to change certain negative things about your partner constructively.  What you need to realize is that negative can be very, very relative and so when you have that ingrained need to fix the entirety of a person, that just means they’re not right –for you! Someone else will love them and think they are perfect just the way they are. You may end up pushing them away and changing them into someone that you yourself won’t even recognize. Changing someone does not say a lot about them, it says a lot about you . You have no business dating someone you already have a negative perception of… nothing they do will ever be right in your eyes and that would just make them feel worse about themselves.

Any other thoughts on this issue? let me know in your comments!

-A. Afua

 

 

 

For the ‘damaged girl’…..

kutillo

I turned 26 yesterday. I spent half the day trudging through mud at a local basic school, trying to secure their pitch for the drivers’ training at work. I also got reminded about five times that I had just four years until I was 30.  Aside that, It was truly one of theee best birthdays ever!  Lots of surprises, lots of love, including a beautiful ginromous bouquet I was completely and utterly floored by. Ah-mazinggg.

I thought about a lot of things though.. especially the things I had done wrong over the years and I wondered when that eureka moment where everything falls into place would come. Per my mother’s conversation that morning about how it was time to have babies and settle down, I asked myself later that night if I would even be a deserving of the kind of partner I wanted in light of the sort of person I was now.. The answer was a big fat NO! I still have a long way to go.

I think some of us females spend too much time looking for the perfect partner without being introspective, paying attention to ourselves. Are we even deserving of those people? Have we done enough soul searching, worked on ourselves?  What do we have to offer?

I am just thinking of the women like me out there.. It is hard being the metaphorical “Damaged girl” Sometimes we do truly make the best girlfriends just because we’re the wickedly-sexy-imperfectly- perfect- spontaneous humans who are more than aware of what it’s like to be hurt and abused in the worst ways, so we’re stronger and wiser for it. On the contrary, We also know when to walk away from people because we’re so  afraid of getting attached and getting murdered by those soppy, magical, mushy feelings that have always led us into the wrong arms. So if you’re truly paying attention to this post, this is the part where you realize that at other times we  absolutely make the worst girlfriends!

Here’s why:

  • We’re overly defensive about EVERYTHING. heck even a simple ‘why are you late?’ could turn into a full blown rant about your partner not being sensitive to your ‘gruelling’ morning routine.. yeah.
  • We haven’t done enough work trying to repair the damage. This is true, We’ve come a long way but that is not the end of the road. Having a pattern of dating assholes does not make you the victim. It just means there may be something you’re also doing that you need to address. You don’t need someone to swoop in and  save you, You need to save You.
  • It’s hard to appreciate anything long term because we have set the most impossible standards for potential partners to live by and when they don’t we’re difficult, angry and unpleasant to deal with because they didn’t jump through all our hoops and hurdles perfectly.

This is a word to the ‘damaged girl’ where ever you are, the ones in constant battle with themselves because they’re trying to figure everything out today. The ones with the restless spirits, perpetually torn in half because you always have a never ending desire to be wild and free yet there’s always that hidden craving to be still and try to find peace within yourself. The ones with the seemingly outrageous diversity of friends in their lives just because your hearts are just that big to accommodate people that everyone else would rather judge.  yes, ‘damaged girl’ who everyone gossips about and picks apart because they have dissected every little  piece of your love life and tagged you with colourful names for making wrong choices…The bad part comes to an end one day, I promise…guard your hearts because you’re going to be a little too intense, a little too passionate and a little too insane for the self proclaimed proper,conservative, well- mannered and sophisticated ones.  ❤

 

-A. Afua

ps. read the thoughtcatalog.com when you have time!

Memorize this

1. Not everyone will love you. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “You could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there will still be someone who hates peaches.” I couldn’t tell you who said it, but I can tell you that it’s true. As a people pleaser, I hate when someone…

via 22 Epiphanies You Must Have In Your 20s In Order To Live Your Best Life — Thought Catalog

Five Minutes in James Town

GH11-JAMESTOWN-LIGHTHOUSE

 

OK, we need to talk about appreciating life and noticing things around us – and people. I had a tearful moment alone  in the bathroom fifteen minutes ago ( don’t ask.)  You know that huge lump you get in your throat when you’re trying very, very, hard not to cry?  yeah. I locked myself in there just in case those uninvited tears decided to fall and ruin my day anyway.  How do you deal with those moments? Do you cry? take a walk? blast some music? Call your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Personally, I think I have good, wise women around me,  I have some amazing friends!  I can’t imagine not having some of them in my life to talk me out of my  melt downs, seriously. I know some people don’t believe in trusting other people so much and believing in their goodness because ‘they don’t do best friends’  But.. that’s just sad to me. I think that’s one of the most positive and utterly fulfilling parts of my life -having other women who inspire, encourage and push me to be the greatest I can be.. especially Joy :).

Well if you haven’t figured it out by now, I am channeling some advice that she gave to me today about learning to appreciate things more. We all need to take a page out of that book and stop being so self-absorbed in all of our problems/challenges. I have a few posts reminding people to acknowledge their blessings no matter how little simply because there are people out there who are going through the most,  easier said than done, I know. but  when everything seems overwhelming just try to give yourself two potentially positive outcomes of whatever the hell  is happening to you. Try. I drove through James Town about five nights ago and at the risk of sounding incredibly superficial, I did not scrunch up my face and turn up my nose at the sights and smells like I usually do, not once!

 

Boats-and-people

I was alone, not in any particular hurry just driving through the town and my  mind = blown. I felt the soul of the place. I laughed in bewilderment at the kids deliberately crossing the roads at green lights, which is so stupid and dangerous but I just couldn’t help but marvel at the glee with which they did it. If I’d had a camera I’d have captured the most striking thing about the night to me, the contrast between the modernity of the laughing faces in the local pubs dancing and spilling onto the street, the canoes docked on the shore and the history that was evident in the old James fort prison and the famous light house that the town is known for. Everything just put a smile on my face at once. These people had something I didn’t have, they were happy.  This is a place that I never, ever  take my time to observe but everything that was going on in that moment was so typical of Ghana!  Now I wouldn’t want the town to be any other way.

All it took was five minutes in James Town to know the truth of Joy’s words. that sometimes we need to see things and not just look, we need to listen to things and not just hear them. We’re all guilty of focusing on the wrong things especially the ones that we cannot control instead of paying close attention to what matters, like Our characters, our souls, the way we treat others, our spirituality, our health.. you know, stuff like that.

 

-A. Afua

 

 

 

Well it’s taken me 4 years but… you get the picture

Julia Caesar1. Be grateful. Always. A thank you can go a long, long way, may it be the bus driver or your colleague or your boss – never ever forget the people who lend a hand and helped you be who you are right now. Keep in touch, ask them how they are, how’s life,…

via 22 Non-Negotiable Things Everyone Needs To Learn By 22 — Thought Catalog