I AM a woman.


I love my body these days! I know I do honestly ramble on about the most trivial things but it’s truueee I’m in love with who I am becoming as a woman. I look at my body now and I feel sexy.. I’ve never felt that before! Now I walk around my room in the nude as often as I can. I love staring at every little luscious  curve and wondering how on earth I never noticed my looks before. I FEEL beautiful.. At first I always felt unattractive and overweight. Every little bulge on my body made me feel so ugly all the time. I began seeing someone different .. A stranger, every time I looked in the mirror. It was crazy ..
I don’t know if it had anything to do with what I was going through emotionally but I didn’t look like ME anymore. I was still Afua but I wasn’t pretty Afua anymore. I stopped doing my hair, my nails, neglected my skin… everything! I stopped keeping up with myself period! For close to a year because I couldn’t recognize myself. It was so hard being with him and having to deal with so much all the time that all of those things didn’t seem important anymore. The girl I had become didn’t have time for glamour and fashion. She had too many wounds .It was so hard…being HER. A weak and broken person.. I don’t know how I didn’t lose my mind because there were some months when I thought I was going to die from all that turmoil. Everything got worse when my parents also kicked me out. That memory always brings with it  this lump in my throat but talking about it is part of healing so I won’t block it this time.
All this happened in June last year. The 9th of June it was his birthday.. Frankly, I had become impossible to live with at home. My parents were having a hard time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I had become secretive and rude and spiteful at home because I was suffering in secret and I was mad at the world. I was moody all the time and I didn’t have the energy to do anything that was family oriented because I was always so frustrated with myself for keeping secrets about my life and i  suspect that I was sinking into depression. In essence I felt like I wouldn’t be able to share my pain with anyone because I would be judged. At that time I wanted badly to leave him. I had made several attempts but there was always that nagging feeling that maybe if I tried harder and I loved him some more he would change for me.. Now I know that I was wrong but then, that thought alone was enough to take me back to him.
And so around that time my mum and dad tried to help me by confining me indoors. I was told not to go out to see him or anyone else after 9 pm and also not to stay out of home overnight which I was in the habit of doing.  But on that particular day, it was his birthday and I just didn’t want to leave him alone so I told my mum that I’d be staying over at a Friend’s house. My step dad was livid naturally because he had had enough of my behavior and he took it as a sign of disrespect. And so the next morning he asked my sister to pack up all of my things and then he promptly kicked me out.. My mum was a wreck.. I will never forgive myself for putting her through all of that. She cried for days.. I decided then that, I would take my things to George’s whilst I figured out what to do to myself.  (Those were the worst three months of my life. ) First mistake I made, I should’ve gone to my biological dad’s place for respite and NOT George.
It was so difficult. I was so unhappy and  so alone. I had cut off so many people who would’ve helped me and the thought of going back to call them was daunting. So I stayed and did my best to make it work. yes, I did my best. I will never look back at this relationship with regret because I stood by that man and I did my best for him. I rode and I literally almost died for him LOL. I truly believe so. I gave so much of myself to him that there was nothing left of me For me.. I don’t know if you understand what I am trying to say.  I let him punish me for mistakes that he was also committing. And I let ,myself believe that I deserved it and he didn’t. One vivid memory that is probably going to haunt me for the rest of the night is the day that he beat me up for over four hours .
That was the day he found out about Lincoln. He started to beat me up in the car from my school till we got to his house. There was a point where he punched me in the gut just outside his house and as I keeled over and tried to catch my breath, he kicked my tail bone and continued kicking me in the ribs. I was in unimaginable pain. My face was swollen and my eyes were burning as though they were on fire. That would later develop into two black eyes. i think i developed most of my scars on this day. I remember being whipped with a belt and locked in the room with him while he wrapped his  hands around my neck and choked me in a pile of broken glass . He didn’t stop until there was blood everywhere from cuts at my back. I don’t know why I let someone do this to me but that is the point of writing this journal. Because I was not stupid like everyone thought..This is a cycle that needs to be broken!. I am writing this because there are other girls out there who are hiding the truth of the horrors that they are enduring and I hope I am able to reach them somehow and help them get through it. I know they are not crazy.. They are just afraid to take that step. What I want to say is that KEEP taking that step! No matter how many times you fall. You will be a little stronger each time you get back up and in time you will not look back at all because you will see them for what they truly are. Weak, broken souls.
And you know the saddest ,most annoying thing is that. After having gone through all of this for ‘love’ I found out that he had been cheating on me for months! with at least three different girls. -_-

-A. Afua


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