There’s so much I want to put on here but I often struggle a lot with how much to share. How much information is too much?? Do people really need to know these things? what do I get from blasting my struggles and achievements on the internet for all and sundry? Who even cares?
I have the answer to that. It makes me happy. 🙂 I cannot tell you the satisfaction and inner gratification I feel each and every time I post something on my blog. Even if no one reads it at all, I feel free, light and several notches happier because I have unloaded problems that usually weigh so heavily on me or.. sprinkled a bit of my radiant,glittery dust out there hoping to infect others depending on whichever terrific, awesome thing has happened to me!
So let me tell you what happened to me this morning..and why I think I am fucked up. I was getting ready for work, running around like a little chicken with its head cut off because I was late as usual. I was trying to iron my shirt, wear my pants and brush my teeth all in quick succession of each other, then I got a text at about 8:09 from someone I once had a special friendship with. She had been trying for months to get close to me.. just hang out basically..or talk, really but all shes met with are walls I have up. I suppose it is a defense mechanism of some sort – I don’t know but this brings me back to the message. It was deep.. and it bellowed out things about myself that I am truly ashamed of. She called me Difficult, Uncaring, Cold, egotistical, she said I had an attitude, I was evasive, she said I liked to delude my lovers and leave them puzzled in my wake especially when I get comfortable with another lover and when it doesn’t work out I switch back to being myself like my old lover would want. She said I make her feel like she’s wrong all the time when I am actually the problem…and then she said she misses me and it gets boring when shes the only one who seems like she actually cares about our relationship ..
Note to self : I never ever want to make someone feel like that ever again. I wouldn’t know how to begin not to be all those things to her ..or anyone else. I am confused most days, sad, jittery, happy, content, worried, grateful,unmotivated ( -I feel like a crazy person) 😥 Almost at the end the year and I don’t feel fulfilled. Such a terrifying feeling . I don’t know what I want these days or who I want.. and the bible describes people like me as chaff in the wind.. blown wherever the breeze is strongest…
So I asked my friend Fran what to do when I am smacked in the face with feelings and thoughts of this nature and what it meant and this was her response :
‘It means you are on to something greater than you ever imagined. Fear inside of you is starting to gain power. I would suggest making a list of everything. Starting with your dreams, your wishes, your goals, your plans (A,B,C,D…), your current obstacles, your fears, your worries, your obligations, your responsibilities. Write everything down. Understand what you are going through is normal, and this too shall pass. Start creating deadlines for yourself. By this date, I hope to finish/ start this project. Start by giving yourself one attainable goal relating to your dream and focus on that one project for the mean time. Until then, pray and talk to people you trust that have been where you are or can be understanding. Words of encouragement go along way, even when everything seems impossible.
~Hope this helps!’
So I am going to take her advice. shake off the hopelessness and trudge on. I do feel like I constantly let everyone around me down but… it is what it is. Also, I think her blog is great, check it out! fearlessfran.wordpress.com
– A. Afua