Let me tell you about change..

 Annuschkatz by Timo Barwitzki on 500px - 1024                                                

Change. I have a love-hate relationship with this word.  Its outcome can be really really good, or downright awful. Me, I like the good parts like everyone else .. like moving into a new home, new job, new hair style, new relationships, friendships.. etc. I had an emotional conversation somewhere last week with a good friend about this word,(emotional because I cry about everything)  and his arguments with respect to how the word functions  in relationships made a lot of sense but honestly? I am still not sure how I feel about it. We discussed changing for your partner in a relationship. This is a person I think I scare a little bit. I think he considers  someone like me a little too insane for his tastes which is funny for both of us on a good day but our last conversation has been on my mind for days..

Let me begin by saying that, I am not a feminist. Yes, I am the atrocious traitor amongst us, girls!  After everything I’ve experienced one would think I would be teetering on those lines but no. I feel like sometimes women lose our uniqueness by trying so hard to make every single little thing about feminism or trying to be like men – we’re not men, We’re even more awesome than that!  This is not because I don’t believe in equality for all women, I do. But sometimes I like to let a man just be…manly. And lead – in a respectful way mind you. . I am just comfortable both ways. .. Needless to say, that also has it’s disadvantages because that last conversation I keep referring to has me wondering,’ so.. where exactly do I draw the line between the headstrong independent woman who knows what she wants and the docile, submissive one?

We spoke about things like tattoos and the way women dress, the kind of company they keep, social habits and so on and his perspective on these issues completely blew my mind. Prior to that I had never met anyone who would want their wife to erase their tattoos before they had kids, because he finds them inappropriate and doesn’t want his children to get the wrong message that their mother is…wild.  He wants his wife to dress  conservatively because she represents him,  change her friends because he didn’t approve of their lifestyle, wear less make-up because he wants to get used to her natural face.. you know, stuff like that.

While some of this stuff is understandable like maybe dressing better because of course you don’t want your wife looking like a ‘hoochie mama’.  Other changes were a little difficult for me to imagine. Like changing your friends completely for someone? Or going to get your tattoos removed because your husband doesn’t want your children to think less of you and be exposed to ‘that lifestyle’ because they’d be more susceptible to becoming wayward  …uh ..pardon?

Do you guys agree? His opinions are valid points by the way because some of the people out here in the world are completely ridiculous about these things. However, I am an avid believer in moderation. I feel like women can dress a little sexy sometimes, put on a fiery red lip sometimes, have a few subtle well placed tattoos sometimes, have a crazy friend or two sometimes or even BE the crazy one.  I don’t think it makes her less of a lady, less sophisticated or less of who she is or has the potential to be. But he didn’t seem to think so. So I picked the most talked about one, threw a poll out and conducted a mini survey, asking my male friends what they honestly thought about their partners having for example tattoos, just to make sure I wasn’t crazy and this is what  they had to say to the following questions:

  • What are your thoughts on your partner having tattoos?
  • Would you have her remove them because you believe it is inappropriate?
  • Do you think it would affect the way your kids are raised if your partner has tattoos?


” I wouldn’t have her remove them nor leave her because of tattoos and I don’t think they are inappropriate for kids. I don’t see how tattoos have anything to do with raising kids.  A writing or a drawing on a body? No, bad parenting exposes kids to a certain lifestyle.”             -O.N.

“I wouldn’t necessarily encourage my wife to get a tattoo or approve of it, That not withstanding I would not ask my wife/girlfriend that I have fallen for to remove her tattoo.  Just for health reasons I wouldn’t want my wife/ girlfriend to have a tattoo.  For me that would not be a cause not to look twice at someone who is beautiful.  Raising kids is collective and societal however, Parents are still fundamental. My wife may have a tattoo but I don’t think it would affect how we bring our kids up. I will raise my kids how I feel is right”              -Sam. A

” I wouldn’t have my partner remove her tattoos even thought I am not a fan but it would depend on the type of tattoos and how visible they are. I don’t think it would affect how your kids are raised especially if you got them before they were born. I wouldn’t mind little ones like your child’s name or something small and not really visible.”             -A.B

” Tattoos are just evil.”    – Kwamina

” She already had it before I met her, it’s already there. If She wants to get rid of it then fine, I am not forcing it. I don’t see the point. I mean its like asking her to take back every bad thing she did before she met you.  Apparently that’s what love is right?.. to be with someone who makes you happy regardless of their flaws and imperfections.”               – Nana Kofi

” I love tattoos. especially on the p****. No,  I would get her to tattoo her whole body like that blue chick from X-men. ”                                                                                                                     -AJ

‘ I don’t see anything wrong with my wife having tattoos. But it has to come with limitations as in, It shouldn’t be all over her body and they should be meaningful. I don’t think I will let my partner remove her tattoos because it will never affect the way kids are raised. It is up to the parent to train the child the way he/she should grow.”                                -Kuzco

Ok. so what I got from this little survey was, there are still some guys out there who still put love before anything. Fan-tastic!   I think it’s not wrong if you’re trying to change certain negative things about your partner constructively.  What you need to realize is that negative can be very, very relative and so when you have that ingrained need to fix the entirety of a person, that just means they’re not right –for you! Someone else will love them and think they are perfect just the way they are. You may end up pushing them away and changing them into someone that you yourself won’t even recognize. Changing someone does not say a lot about them, it says a lot about you . You have no business dating someone you already have a negative perception of… nothing they do will ever be right in your eyes and that would just make them feel worse about themselves.

Any other thoughts on this issue? let me know in your comments!

-A. Afua





3 thoughts on “Let me tell you about change..

Add yours

  1. This was an excellent post. I agree with you cannot date anyone who you have the mindset “I need to change them”. This is a common misktake people make.

    1. Thank you! And it’s very true.. If changing them is the first thing on your mind your actions may end up hurting them especially if they were happy with themselves to begin with.

  2. When you decide to start a relationship with someone having tattoos or any act of the past whether on the body, using the body, resembling that body!
    That second you do choose to have a special relatoonship friendship it is or Love; your starting point is hence forward… remember the things that attracted you to her are either some of those related to her body which is logical because men are visual creators, or other things that covered up for all these minimal extras which also didnt affection your attraction towards her…
    So In the END…. why change her… she is beautiful the way she is… ADMIRE HER!

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